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Em EpAr

Thursday, January 1, 2004


so new years sucked. this whole week sucked, didnt go at all the way it was supposed to. at the most caught 20 waves, the waves sucked. im coming back to orlando tomorrow. whoo...i hope i can see madeline but she probably has something better to do like always.
fuck, i forgot everythign i was going to write, i'll write more later.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

11:39AM - A Lump OF Coal For Christmas again....

Yes, Santa i was a bad boy
You gave me a lump of coal, instead of a new toy
since i was born, i've been on the naughty list
all this bad stuff is so much fun, i just cant resist
raping, so much fun, you think i've quit my bad habbits
but i've just begun.

I'm at the top of the nauughty list
oh yeah
im the last gift for mommy's little wish
uh huh
I'm at the top of the naughty list

Yes, Santa I was a cruel being
killing little animals, at the top of my lungs singing.
OH NO, Sant Nick, dont shit a break
I've just begun, My awful deeds are just my candle for my wick.

I'm at the top of the nauughty list
oh yeah
im the last gift for mommy's little wish
uh huh
I'm at the top of the naughty list
I'm at the bottom of Her list
uh huh.

thought, i'de write a christmas carol, my mom's friend once gave me a lump of coal for christmas, damn that was a sick joke when i was 8.

Sunday, December 14, 2003


i have to go to my grandmother's store in winterpark after school tomorrow. what else?


okay, so my day changed. here it is...

i went to help my mom at pet smart an dwhile i was looking aroudn guess who i run into.
patrick. so, he's going to come over later, we're going to jam and then we're giong to walk over to brett's.

8:06AM - one of the best smells for a tshirt is cigarretts and a hot girl mixed.

eh... today is going to suck... probably have to go help my mom get presents today. ugh... i think im going to save up for another leather jacket, so i can have one good one and one fucked up one. i figured that if i use my magic and all of a sudden i have 40 dollars by the end of the week then i'll have 60 bucks. then whatever money i have left from over the christmas break, i'll get a new leather during the week i go back to school.
i need to go sometime to get some new paintmarkers. the colors i need are orange, white, yellow, red, and light blue, oh and pink if i decide to put clit 45 on there. maybe brown too for anal cunt. i still have to find time to go to lil brett's to get brownie to do the back of my jacket.

on a further note, madeline told me to fuck off. she wants me to fuck off? fine. she wont hear from me again. what the fuck am i saying.. nevermind, im not going to go into it. fuck it. im so sick of pissing her off and bothering her. i'll fuck off.

Current mood: crushed

Saturday, December 13, 2003

10:53PM - Where Do I Begin?

HOly shit.! where the fuck do i begin? the show was badass! everyone was there. lewis came too, that was cool. holy shit. brett is one lucky man. amanda is sooooo fucking cool!
when i was in the pit, my cell phone flew out of my pocket and over everyone an di thought i lost it but then allysa found it. hung out on the f00ton with amanda, julia, and this other chick half the time. um.. the bands were awsome except for the frist one which sucked shit trhrough a straw.
you'll never guess who called me today.

im probably going to brett's tomorrow. i need b.k. (brownie kid/vivek) to do the back of my jacket for me.


the show is at 6. i sewed my blue plaid caprees up today. ugh, i dont think i have any clean clothes. yeah, i have to go take a shower and sew my u.k. subs my vest.

show is at lakemarry pub once again.
ah, fuck, i need a shower.


i hate julia. i hate how madeline takes everythign i say wrong.
i just wish she would listen to me. i love madeline! why cant she fucking get that!? she's the one i want to be with, NOT JULIA!
i wish i was with madeline... i love madeline. i can seriously say that i love her.

Friday, December 12, 2003

7:13PM - and just maybe, im to blame for all i've heard but im not sure.

i just want another chance with her...

she;s my everything..

Current mood: depressed


yeah so... today was pretty boring...
ui have to do some chrores, no big deal.
not quite sure what im doing tonight. thinking about going to winterpark village.
bill might be going to the show tomorrow night. true. im giving my little chink (truc) a ride. i wish she was going...she wouldnt go, she never likes going places.
she's been on my mind all day.

Thursday, December 11, 2003


yeah, so we caught garrett and aj, we then went back to aj's. then, garrett, andrew and i went to blink's. hung out with him for a while. then i went to garrett's. hung out with him for a while. i love that little midget..
fuck this.. fuck trying to go on with my life..
i cant get over madeline... she's been on my mind all day... i could never get over her... i cant believe we're not together.. i hate this... i'd do anythign to have her back...
the only reason why we would fight is because we cared... atleast.. i did. i cared. i do. i care. im not happy unless im with her. i took so many pills last night that im still really fucked.. i killed my arms today... andrew slapped them and told me madeline's not worth it. she is... she's worth every slit, scare, bruise, and cut. fuck my pride..
fuck me. i miss madeline. i seriously broke down and cried this morning screaming "IM SORRY! IM SO FUCKING SORRY! PLEASE! IM SO FUCKING SORRY!" when my words dont mean anythign to anyone anymore.. nobody cares.. i miss her...

3:16PM - today....

i was walking to 6th period and andrew and justin caught me so we skipped 6th period again and we drove off. instead of being stuck in basketball for 50 minutes we were practicing. we needed it but finally things feel back together and we sound good again, especially with an amp i dont have to kick the shit out of every 4 seconds.

going over to aj's later and get high off our asses.
what else?
blac bloc saturday at lakemerry pub, be there. it's going to be a good show.


i may as well get velcrow shoes because im never going to have to tie my shoe for madeline again... she'll never want me to... she'll never come back...

i took alot of pills last night, i feel like im giong to drop. i feel so light-headed. i think im going to go take more pain killers.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003


there it is... she said it. she finally broke up with me. i knew she wanted to for a while now. just wish i didnt fall for her again...
i knew she never cared. she never did love me. she's what i used to be.

fuck, the best thing in my life just walked out.


fuck friday... i was soo looking forward to seeing you on friday but you have better things to do...

Tuesday, December 9, 2003


i hear this pretty little voice it keeps on calling me
i look and i look but i can not see
it makes my ears want to bleed
what could this innocence want to mean?
where does this sweet little sound hide
i look and i look but why cant i find..?

all the pretty little girls gather around
take a little listen to my sound
i just want to have some fun
you aready lost, i already one

i hear this pretty little sound it keeps on calling me
it makes my ears want to bleed
i start to wonder are you really calling me?
if so why cant i see?

all the cute little chicks gather around
take a little listen to my sound
i just want to toy with you and have some fun
i already lost, you already won


thigns i still have to do before i go to school.
*brush my teeth
*fix my hair a little more
*socks and boots
*walk to bus stop
*get gum
*catch bus
*get to school
*go somewhere with ice cubes
* hang out with the guys.

i found my shades! now i'll be able to see, hella ya!

you know hwat i really want? is a Toy Dolls' C.d.!

Current mood: contemplative

Monday, December 8, 2003


how can so much bad shit happen all in one day...?
i was looking forward to see madeline all day an when i finally saw her it was like she didnt even care i was alive.... it hurt... im trying to so hard to sew us back together and she doesnt even care. i wish she ould just pretend she loes me...
grandmother took my guitar behind my back with her to her store so now i cant practice all night, what the fuck?! i havent played in 3 days! ugh, i was so looking forward to atleast playing my guitar after the incident with madeline.
i love madeline...

Sunday, December 7, 2003


fuck, my arms are bad... i hope i dont get searched for them at school...

Saturday, December 6, 2003


so fish came over. we walked around, down to eckerds, walkgreens, foodlion, julian's, ocean surf, hopspital and now home. probably going surfing early tomorrow with sean and then fish is coming over around 11 or 12.

fuck, i feel so trashed. ( not going to mention from what)
im thinking about going to the clinic to snag some methadone. that shit will fuck you up to hell. it's so easy to o.d. on it. i was sitting at burger king one night having a conversation with this guy about it. i told andrew and andrew got all pissed because he said it would kill me and if im lucky just get really trashed and end up in the hospital.

i miss her. this is such bullshit how i only get to see her 2-3 times a week. that's not enough. it wouldnt be enough if i got to see her everyday. i cant get enough of her. i love her so much.

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